The Power of Female Friendship: Navigating Relationships in Adulthood
My favorite thing in a book is a well written friendship; especially between two female characters. It gives insight into
How a character asks for help
How a character receives advice/feedback
Who and how they trust
When they’re struggling you can tell by the way they interact with the friend
Women supporting women…
Making Friends in Adulthood: A New Kind of Challenging
When you are a child, developing friendships often happens naturally. We make friends with the kid who sits next to us in class, on our team, or the child of our parent's friends. Children can be shy but in general they are honest and fearless when it comes to talking to other kids their age. Mostly because they don't over think things the way that adults do, they just say what they want and talk with whoever is nearest. As we get older, most of us find this to become an increasingly difficult task. We care too much about what people think about us, spend a ton of time overanalyzing every interaction, and often assume we don't fit in based on nothing except our own low self-esteem and preconceived notions. We are also tired and the thought of having to put effort into a friendship, especially building a new one, is exhausting. Frankly, the thought of trying to make friends or build a social life can lead to strong anxiety and avoidance. There are countless (very funny) reels/TikToks of Mom's making fun of themselves trying to make other "mom friends" (Like this) and adults joking about how impossible it is to make plans once you are an adult. It is all funny and accurate. We are over committed, emotionally drained, and physically exhausted from our jobs and family lives. And yet, there are the videos that portray what it is like once you do get that time (no matter how short) with your best friend, or how quickly you share your trauma with a new friend (because who has time for small talk when you can just jump right into the thick of it with someone who you feel like you can trust - I am not saying this is healthy but I am saying this highlights the importance of friendship…and therapy). These videos showcase why we need friendship and bonding. No matter how infrequent your contact or if the majority of your contact is sending reels and memes back and forth (how many reels did you send your best friend today?) those relationships are critical to our overall well being.
In Funny Story by Emily Henry, Daphne develops a friendship with another character, Ashleigh, who she initially finds intimidating and a little scary. Daphne has struggled with friendship all of her life because she moved often and learned early on to avoid becoming attached. However, as she struggles with the unexpected circumstances in her adult life that leave her alone in a place where she has few other connections, she realizes she needs to open up and build new relationships. The portrayal of their friendship in Funny Story highlights themes of loyalty, self-discovery, and the challenges of maintaining close relationships amid changing personal identities. Ultimately, Daphne and Ashleigh's friendship serves as a poignant exploration of how relationships evolve and the importance of authenticity and mutual respect in maintaining meaningful connections.
It Ends with Us shows the fast (and maybe unconventional) friendship built between Lily and Allysa. It starts as an employer and employee relationship that quickly buds into a healthy and trustworthy friendship. Allysa even puts her friendship with Lily before her relationship with her brother. Although Alyssa loves her brother she recognizes that his relationship with Lily is not safe, and without hesitation, tells Lily that she should leave him. It is one of my favorite parts of the It Ends with Us story.
Letting Go: When Friendships No Longer Serve Us
The other realization that we often come to as adults is that at certain points there are long term relationships that no longer serve us, and we have to let go. This can be challenging, sometimes there are life-long friendships that suddenly are more mentally taxing than they are meaningful or helpful. As a therapist who works with women in their 20s and 30s I work with clients on evaluating and removing friendships/relationships that no longer serve them. Sometimes they are toxic, but not always, and I do think that word has been overused recently. Other times it is just that the person no longer fits into your life or reciprocates the friendship in a way that is beneficial to either person in the relationship. Here are some questions to consider when trying to figure out if a person still fits into your life:
Do you feel that the person puts in an equivalent amount of effort into the friendship? I want to be clear that friendship isn’t always “equal.” Sometimes one person needs more attention, help, or care than the other. But if the attention is ALWAYS on one person and it gets to the point where you find every interaction mentally exhausting it may be time to evaluate whether this is a relationship you need in your life.
Do you trust this person? This might seem obvious but sometimes when you are friends with someone for a long time things change and you don’t realize that maybe their behaviors (or yours) have changed. Perhaps you have learned that this person shares your personal details with other friends or that they wait to make plans with you until they hear from other friends. If you start to question if someone is being truthful, wanting to spend time with you, or even avoiding you it is time to take a close look at this relationship.
Does this person understand me and my needs? One of the more difficult things to deal with is when a long time friend no longer has common interests. This happens in adulthood when everyone goes in different directions with career, family, and finances. If one friend has been focused on building a family and often expresses needing emotional support/understanding about parenting while the other is focused on career things can get murky. Now, this is an oversimplified explanation. Many friendships withstand these changes. But what can happen is that one friend no longer feels understood or like they fit into the other person’s life and the friendship starts to get rocky, or the friends drift apart. This sort of separation can be a very natural occurrence but emotionally difficult to get through.
Can we disagree, communicate how we feel, and forgive? If you find that you often feel uncomfortable sharing your feelings, your boundaries have been crossed, or you frequently disagree, that is likely the sign of a bigger issue with your friendship. If these things are happening and you have trouble communicating and working through them then the friendship may have reached it’s end.
Of course, not all friends are BEST friends and you may have many friends who all play different roles in your life. That is OK. Not every friendship is deep or super close. But, if you start to feel like every interaction with a particular person leaves you feeling tired, anxious, angry, or sad then they may not be worth holding on to.
Funny Story also touches on the pain of realizing that someone you once felt so close to may no longer fit into your life as they once did, a common but often unspoken reality in many adult friendships.
Abby Jimenez explores these different types of friendships in her book Part of Your World. The protagonist, Alexis, has her neighborhood friends who live life in a way that Alexis soon realizes does not align with who she wants to be. They care about money and are superficial; they were friends by circumstance but as Alexis leaves her unhealthy marriage she begins to realize that these women give her the “ick” (as the kids say). Her life situation changed and made her reflect on who she was surrounding herself with, and she realized that her true best friend “Bri” was all she needed. She no longer felt the need to continue relationships with these women when they weren’t supporting her new life.
A Final Note on Friendships
Recently, I was working with a client who is struggling with some familial relationships, but who has a really strong friendship network. And as she was processing the isolation, loneliness, and other feelings about her family, I reminded her of her friends. They are the ones she calls and the ones she is willing to drop everything to help. And she said, “You’re right. I chose them.” That is the important thing to remember about friendship.
Bibiliotherapy
If someone is looking to reflect on the relationships in their lives I would recommend they read:
Happy Place, Emily Henry - there are many complex friendships and the story is a great example of how we sometimes get so lost in our own life, that we forget to consider that those around us might be going through something, too.
Funny Story, Emily Henry - Discovering how important but difficult it can be to build a friendship in adulthood.
Part of Your World, Abby Jimenez - A reminder of how we can outgrow and let go of friendships.